Donkey in the Well

   One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.  The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.  He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.  They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. 

At first, when the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.  A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.

As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing.  He would shake it off and take a step up.  As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.  Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
 
                          The Moral:

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds dirt.  The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.  We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
                         

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

            1.  Free your heart from hatred.
            2.  Free your mind from worries.
            3.  Live simply.
            4.  Give more.
            5.  Expect less.

    O.K., that's enough of that B.S.  ...

The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the living crap out of him.  Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the crap out of them for helping.

  The REAL Moral:

When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you!

The Old Man, The Boy

and The Donkey

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that
shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As
they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass good-bye!

 The Sparrow and the Crap

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.  However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly changed his mind and decided that he had better fly south. 

In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he could fly no further. Nearly frozen, he fell to Earth in a barnyard.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.

He sputtered and choked and thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing! Just then a large cat came by and heard the chirping.  The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him!

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.  Everyone who gets you out of crap, is not necessarily your friend.  If you are warm and happy in a pile of crap, you just might want to keep your mouth shut

 Full of Crap

There was a fly buzzing around the barn one day, When he flew by a pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate!

Finally, he decided that he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. But he had eaten too much though and could not get off the ground.

As he looked around, wondering what to do about the situation, he spotted a pitch fork, leaning up against the wall.

Aha! he thought… “If I can just get airborne, I can take flight.”

He climbed up the pitch fork to the very top and jumped off. He was wrong! He dropped like a rock and hit the floor with a big SPLAT!

             The Moral of the Story:

Never fly off the handle when you’re full of crap!

  When I Am An Old Horsewoman

I shall wear turquoise and diamonds,
And I shall spend my social security on
white wine and carrots,
And sit in my alley-way of my barn
And listen to my horses breathe
I will sneak out in the middle of a summer night
And ride the old paint gelding,
Across the moonstruck meadow
If my old bones will allow
And when people come to call, I will smile and nod
As I walk past the gardens to the barn
and show instead the flowers growing
inside stalls fresh-lined with straw
I will shovel and sweat and wear hay in my hair
as if it were a jewel
And I will be an embarrassment to all
Who will not yet have found the peace in being free
to have a horse as a best friend
A friend who waits at midnight hour
With muzzle and nicker and patient eyes
For the kind of woman I will be
When I am old.
 

COWBOY POETRY

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"

How tough could that job be?

An' I bent down and kissed her

An' said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, I done the things I needed,

But I started to regret

Ever offering to buy that thing -

I worked me up a sweat.

I walked into the ladies shop

My hat pulled o’er my eyes,

I didn't want to take a chance

On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -

I didn't hem or haw -

I told that lady right straight out,

"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,

So I turned around to see

Every woman in that store

Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"

Well, I just scratched my head.

I'd only seen one kind before,

"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,

"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.

Follow me," I heard her say,

Like a dog, I tagged along.

 
She took me down this alley

Where bras was on display.

I thought my jaw would hit the floor

When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles

That I'd never seen before

I thought I'd go plumb crazy

'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours

And bras that cross your heart.

There was bras that lift and separate,

And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel

Like you ain't wearing one at all,

And bras that you can train in

When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -

Picked a black and lacy one -

I told the lady, "Bag it up,"

And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size

I didn't hesitate

I knew that measurement by heart,

"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?

That really isn't right."

"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -

I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,

Musta took her by surprise

When I told her that my wife's bust

Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,

I figured it was fair,

But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."

This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered

And they all was crackin' up

When the lady asked to see my hat,

To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,

I gave the gal her pay.

Then I turned to leave the store,

Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story

'fore I ever made it home.

She'd talked to fifteen women

Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'

But by then I didn't care.

Now she don't ask and I don't shop

For women's underwear.
 

Author Unknown